Dating: the Puzzling

DISCLAIMER: This blog involves a good deal about my personal life, and might not be for everyone. However, after a few conversations I have had over the past couple of weeks, I decided this was something that I needed to share with the Magic community. Just as Patrick Chapin has gone all zen on us as far as his Theory of Everything, I think I have hit a greater understanding of how to find happiness as a Magic player and still be able to be socially adept enough to find a woman (like, a real human woman) without hiding the fact that I play Magic.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: This is from my perspective as a straight man. If you are a straight woman, or gay man or woman, this article is for you too. I'm not making anything gender-neutral, so deal with it.

Finally, I would like to thank the author of this comic for your inspiration.

INTRODUCTION:

So, I figured I need a blog post that will get me on Trick Jarrett's good side. This blog was put on death row on The Week in Magic a few weeks ago. I hadn't updated the blog since November. It was a good wake up call to start considering this blog again. We HAD been posting podcasts regularly over at MTGCast and Joey Pasco had been posting links to those in his blog. Since Joey posts more frequently on his blog than I do, and has one of those fancy personalized web addresses, I figured his blog was the best place to spread the word. I took my own blog for granted since our efforts were getting out to the public anyway.

Meanwhile, I had moved in with my mother, away from my reliable internet connection, and had also broken up with my girlfriend. So, as much as I enjoy writing about Magic for 7-10 total strangers to read and enjoy, I was downright lonely and decided to concentrate a lot of my energy on reentering the dating scene.



PART ONE: Finding a Girlfriend

Give up on the idea that you will meet a girl that plays Magic.

That sounds sexist, and incomplete. Let me rephrase that:

Give up on the idea that you will wind up dating someone who played Magic before you met them.

Maybe you will. Maybe you will roll into an FNM or a prerelease and find yourself sitting across the table from an incredibly attractive female who teaches you a thing or two about sick beats. You strike up some flirty banter during the match, follow her up to the table to turn in the results slip, ask her out on a date (another FNM), and wind up getting married by Richard Garfield himself.
Good for you.

Here's what happens in real life:

You roll into an FNM or prerelease and sit across the table from an incredibly attractive female who teaches you a thing or two about sick beats. You strike up some flirty banter during the match, follow her up to the table to turn in the results slip, and begin to ask her out on a date when one of two things happen:

A) Her boyfriend walks up to her to find out how she did.
B) You wake up.

Sorry, but this just isn't going to happen to you. Get the fantasy out of your head now, or stop reading this article. If you can't deal with this fact, there is no hope for you.

However, for those of you who are still reading, there IS hope.

Everyone deserves to be happy. No matter what we do with our time, we all deserve to be satisfied in all areas of our lives. Every single person is deserving of love, peace, sex, wealth, success, and whatever else we feel makes up a fulfilling life. Magic players are no exception. Just because you are 27 and have the same hobby as 10-20 year olds doesn't mean that you have to lower your standards or pretend to be someone that you are not. Even though most Magic players are in their 20's that doesn't mean that the young kids aren't there. More importantly, people who do not play Magic always seem to remember the youngest person playing Magic, maybe as a way to belittle the hobby as a kid's game.

So you need to get out of the comic shop and into someone's arms. What do you do?

As a geek, online dating is a very obvious choice for me. Despite my boisterous public persona (and startlingly masculine good looks), I tend to clam up when it comes to speaking to women I like in bars or other such places. So the internet gives me the opportunity to type the first thing that comes to mind when I read someone's profile, and then erase it and type something COHERENT. That is a luxury I do not have in a bar at 1am after 6 or 7 beers.

So far, internet dating has gone fairly well for me. The one thing I like about it is the opportunity to really learn about someone before you even decide to meet them. Meeting someone at a bar without any prior conversation is purely superficial: one can only make the snap judgment of whether or not they would sleep with the other person before approaching them. (Random Observation #1: I am watching a 6 hour tape of Beavis and Butt-Head right now, and the live video for "Mother" by Danzig is playing. I must say, anyone who dresses up like they are in The Misfits and goes to a Danzig show is a total loser. Wrong band, asshole.)

At this time, I would like to point your attention to the following link:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/vjbsiljerhuthgl

That is my dating profile on the OKCupid website, which is the only dating website I use because it is free.

Take a moment to read my profile.

What did you notice?

I mention Magic a lot.

A LOT.

I mention Magic a lot because I play Magic a lot. Magic takes up about half of my time, whether I am thinking about it, reading about it, playing it, building decks, blogging about it, podcasting about it, listening to podcasts about it,or running tournaments at my local store (PLUG: AMAZING SPIRAL COMICS IN THE ROTUNDA MALL... WE'VE GOT A BANESLAYER FOR $55!)

You are probably asking yourself at this point, "Why in the hell would he ever mention Magic in his dating profile? WHAT A LOSER! I bet he never gets laid!"

Mostly because I would rather be alone than pretend to be something I am not.

First off, Magic is what I do. If anyone asks me what I do, the first thing out of my mouth is, "I play a lot of Magic, and..." The "and" doesn't need to be elaborated, because any cardboard addict knows that the "and" is only there to downplay the depth of my addiction. Magic is my recreation, my stress relief, my drug of choice. (OK, fine, if you read my dating profile thoroughly enough you would know that pot is way up there too, but I bet you just skipped to all the mentions of Magic, you nerd...)

Second, playing Magic as much as I do, there is only so long that I could hide the fact from someone before they found out. I would rather have a woman know that I am out playing cards with my friends on a Friday night than think I am out at a bar trying to replace her. At least she always knows I am at a sausage party on Friday nights! Besides, lies only lead to more lies, and when the shit hits the fan and she finds out I am hiding the fact that I play a CARD GAME the situation appears more pathetic than it actually is.

Furthermore, maybe I am just getting old, but at this point in my life I do not see any reason to be ashamed what I do with my time. I actually LOVE playing Magic. I don't really play video games anymore, I enojyed playing Yu-Gi-Oh with my old roommates (and later some college classmates) but that was only because those people didn't play Magic, and I honestly have no interest in playing D&D anymore (although I have no problem with the game or those who do play it). Reminds me of a quote from Baltimore native John Waters' film Cecil B. Demented: (I'm paraphrasing here) "I used to have lots of problems, but now I just have one: drugs. Gave my life real focus." I've taken all of my nerdy tendencies and have concentrated them into one area.

Finally, and this is a fairly important point, WOMEN LIKE HONESTY. If you read my dating profile all the way through, Magic is not the only fact about me that I am honest about. I really feel like that profile is an accurate representation of myself. I haven't updated it in maybe a month and am a little less bitter than I was when I typed that stuff, but I feel like I covered all of my bases on there. I want to find someone that I can spend the rest of my life with (again, I know my profile says otherwise, but I was pretty disheartened by the end of my last relationship. Not going to get into too much detail on that one, but it had nothing to do with Magic.), so I feel as though full disclosure is vital to making that happen.

Let's say Magic is still around 20 years from now. 90% of the people reading this, and 100% of the people writing it, will be still doing "Magic, and..." with their time. Sure, maybe Magic will come second to taking care of your family, or your job, but it won't go away entirely. Even if you quit to focus on one of those things, you know damn well that, just like Brett Favre, August will roll around and you will start getting that old itch like something is missing in your life. For Favre it was football season, for us it's spoiler season. The internet has made "one quick glance for old times' sake" nearly impossible to avoid.

In summary:
1. Give up on meeting someone who plays Magic
2. Post a profile on a dating website
3. Be honest
4. Be proud of who you are and what you like to do for fun
5. Don't dress like you're in The Misfits at a Danzig concert


PART TWO: Keeping Your Girlfriend From Breaking Up With You Because You Play Magic

OK, so let's say you get on OKCupid, you put up a profile, you mention Magic and are completely honest about your level of commitment to the game, you meet someone, you hit it off, things get serious, and you wind up in a relationship. How do you make sure that you don't screw it up? I have  a few suggestions on that front as well. I can't teach you how to put the toilet seat down (although you MUST), how to be a good listener, or just how not to be a douchebag in general. However, I can give some pointers on how to not have Magic be the thing that ruins your otherwise perfect relationship.

(As I write this, I am remembering reading an article online that touched on this subject. The article was called "Dear Blossom #1" and was from http://www.themagicarena.com, which apparently no longer exists. I apologize to the writer of that article if any of our ideas unintentionally overlap. That article was more about teaching your girlfriend to play rather than finding a girlfriend or keeping her around. I want to thank the author of that article for the inspiration. The article may still be available on the MTGCast iTunes channel, but just in case it isn't I will paste the article in it's entirety in the comments.)

First, and I think most importantly, KEEP YOUR MAGIC TIME AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND TIME SEPARATE. My buddy (and YO! MtG TAPS! Co-host) Joey Pasco has had the same girlfriend for the entire time he has played Magic (Yes, that's 15 years for those of you keeping score at home) and he is the living embodiment of this rule. I know she had been around when we were way younger and playing the game, but I don't think she has seen me tap a forest in 10 years. That's because Joey got smart. When he realized that he was never going to get her to play the game (probably because, as a Spike, I'm sure he had a hard time letting her win hahahahaha), he made sure to keep Magic as small a part of HER life as he possibly could. They are moving in together in 2 weeks, so we'll see how well she handles cards where cards have no business being (like in the bathroom), but I'm sure he at least puts the toilet seat down! I'm know they will do fine, mostly because they love each other, but also because Joe has certain times and days when he plays cards, and certain times and days where he spends time with his girlfriend.

That leads me right into my next point: DO NOT EVER INVITE YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO WATCH YOU PLAY IN A TOURNAMENT! NOTHING could be more boring! I know someone who had a boyfriend who wanted her to come watch him play in a tournament, and apparently he broke up with her because she refused. This man was what people in civilized societies would call a "complete moron." When I was told this story, I compared it to asking someone who didn't understand Japanese to come watch you write an essay in Japanese (Maybe I said Korean, but you get the point). No matter how elegantly and successfully you play the game, this fact is lost on someone who knows nothing about the game. Furthermore, seeing the game for the first time in a tournament setting is the WORST POSSIBLE WAY for someone to be introduced to the game. (Random Observation #2: My favorite quote from Beavis and Butt-Head that I always seem to forget about is, "I wish... I wish...  nothing. It's too late." No context. Figure it out.) (Random question #1: Which band was the Vixen of "Grunge?" If you don't know who Vixen was, watch the video "Edge of a Broken Heart." You will then understand my question. For the record I do not have an answer to this question, I am simply curious as to any responses I may receive.) The best place to introduce ANY new player to the game, especially a significant other, is at the kitchen table. Even if they don't play themselves, they can ask questions and you can answer them thoroughly without the ticking clock of a tournament setting. You can slow down and explain the game. If they would like, they can try playing a game of two themselves.

I feel like this is getting a little too hopeful for some of you. Let me expand this rule even further. DO NOT EVER ASK YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO PLAY MAGIC. EVER. If she is really interested, she will ask. Do not make your girlfriend resent you for playing Magic. The best way to accomplish this is to not ever ask her to play. Asking once only leads to asking twice, and then three times, and then leads to (or at least can be perceived as) pressuring her to play. Just don't go down that road.

The previous rule contrasts the next rule. MAKE SURE YOU MENTION MAGIC ONCE IN AWHILE TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Do not let your girlfriend believe that she lives in a Magic-less world. The less often you mention Magic, the more weight each mention of the game carries. This is a little tricky. There is a balance here that will best be understood as you come to better understand your partner. Basically, don't talk to your girlfriend exclusively about Magic, but don't go out of your way to never mention it either.

Here is something that I think is worth mentioning. MAKE SURE THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND UNDERSTANDS THAT SHE WON'T GET YOU TO QUIT PLAYING THE GAME. Make sure that you are clear that this isn't a phase you are going through. The only phases (besides Phasing, and the phases of a turn) in my life are the short periods where I have stopped playing, and I haven't even seen one of those since 2001. Some people are convinced that they can "fix" their partner and get them off of drugs, or keep them from cheating, or any other vice they might have. These people are more sensible than anyone who thinks they can convince their partner to quit Magic. New heroin doesn't come along every 3 months. I had one ex-girlfriend actually convince me to sell a decent chunk of my collection (10000 cards, mostly before Ravnica block), which I am still kicking myself about. I wish I was playing EDH back then. I could have sold the same amount of cards and kept one copy of everything cool. Anyway, other than that it wasn't a bad thing, my point is I sold TEN THOUSAND CARDS without my collection being compromised enough to make me unable to play. I made sure of that.

Another ex-girlfriend really resented the amount of time I spent playing Magic, and wanted me to play less. Here's the kicker: she used to play Magic. Like, before I met her. Meaning, I was living the dream. Unfortunately, she didn't like the game anymore, and thought it was dorky and boring. While there were other things about her that lead to me no longer wanting to be with her, trying to keep me from playing Magic was the one thing that made me realize that I COULDN'T be with her anymore. That's the closest I have ever come to dating someone who plays Magic.

I think that's the best advice I can give for now. I think I have been typing this for damn near 6 hours. To summarize part 2 of this piece:

1. Keep your Magic time and your girlfriend time separate.
2. Don't invite your girlfriend to a tournament to watch you play.
3. Do not ever ask your girlfriend to play Magic.
4. Make sure you mention Magic at least once in awhile to your girlfriend.
5. Make sure your girlfriend realizes that she won't convince you to quit Magic.


I think that following these guidelines will bring you the happiness you deserve.

Thank you for reading,
Bigheadjoe

Currently reading: My Files Part One by Zvi Mowshowitz courtesy of www.top8magic.com and the USPS handling Joey Pasco's copy poorly. Thanks guys!